is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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