Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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