I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
