I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
