I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
the condom got lost in my hair
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize