I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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