I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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