i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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