I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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