OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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