My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
