She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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