Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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