nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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