Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
