I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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