I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
