just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize