Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
