Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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