Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
