I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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