And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
