did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
