grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
These tits shall not be calmed
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