Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
