I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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