I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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