I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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