I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
