I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
