everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
