this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
