OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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