Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
