Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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