I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
