and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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