She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
