pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
