batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
