At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Come see our sink grown plant.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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