I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
