wakey wakey hands off snakey
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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