i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
