Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ketchup is God's man juice
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
