im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my shit smells like andre
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
