you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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