I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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