It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
