For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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