I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
third nipple confirmed
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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