we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
