If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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