He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
