Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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