my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize