i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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