I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
