Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
